Who am I? Why am I here? (continued)

[ng_moonmoth]

If you are interested, please see my previous post for the definition I am using for "gender".

The things I wish to do, and the ways I wish to interact with others, are very poorly aligned with my culture's gender assumptions. Nevertheless, I recognize that I share many of these traits with people who identify with a specific gender, and if those people choose to recognize me as of their gender, I will acknowledge this. One common umbrella term covering this identification is “genderqueer”, and I have found that this term fits me well. “Polygender” and “pangender” are terms that are often used to describe my attitude toward gender-identified people; I prefer the former, because I would not feel comfortable identifying with a gender where those who identify with that gender would not recognize me as “one of them”.

Up until now, I have chosen to maintain enough conformity with the gender assumptions under which I was raised to be granted membership in a cultural role with sufficient influence and agency to acquire and maintain economic self-sufficiency.

I am ready to move beyond that conformity now. I am deliberately allowing my lack of gender alignment, which I have until now kept out of sight, to start leaking out around the edges of the facade I have built. As I have done so, I find myself feeling better about myself, and have gotten positive reactions to the non-normative aspects of my presentation.

Now that I am here, I am interested in connecting with friends and allies. If you feel like either of these categories describe you, please feel free to friend me and expect to be friended back.

Comments

[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

>> Shoulder width, and where the largest-circumference spots on the torso line up vs. where they are on the clothing, are also frequently problematic. <<

One thing to remember is to fit the largest part of you. Other parts of the garment can be reduced in size to make it smaller, but making it bigger is much harder.

>> My butt and legs don't seem to get along well with pants cut for either body type. <<

That really sucks.

*ponder* Some people who are not standard male or female do have rather different body shapes or proportions. You're just not going to find anything on the rack to fit that. If you are consistently finding that neither gendered clothes fit well, then it's a likely explanation -- especially if you're having that problem with hips and chest/shoulders both. Check unisex things; garments made to fit either men or women may also fit someone who is both or neither. it's a long shot but worth a try because tailoring is harder and more expensive.

>> I'm just starting to get an understanding of how to use makeup effectively. It's still tricky, and slow going, because most advice is geared toward using it to send or amplify a fertility signal: "I am young, I am healthy, I am close to my most fertile time, mating will be most likely to succeed now." This has never been a signal I have been interested in sending to either males or females. <<

Yeah, that's a nuisance. One trick is to reverse polarity. Frex, pink cheeks and bright red lips are mating signals. To send a non-mating signal, de-emphasize instead: mute or cancel the pink highlights on your cheeks, and choose a soft neutral color for lips.

Oh, and there are sexual palliative fragrances too. Lavender is probably the most famous example.

>> One main difficulty is that menswear does not get along well with much jewelry -- especially the items I tend to favor, which work best against my skin rather than against fabric. <<

Menswear is designed for different jewelry or accessories. Rings are fine; both sexes wear them. You might enjoy comparing masculine, feminine, and unisex rings -- there are some ring styles that just about scream genderqueer in terms of asymmetrics and swirls. Check places that cater to queerfolk, they'll probably have examples. Cufflinks and tie fasteners are masculine jewelry. Not so helpful if you want it on your skin though. Wristwatches are another masculine item. American men usually don't wear necklaces or earrings, although that varies a bit.

I'm keeping my eye out for things like this, and starting to explore the possibilities. Doing this takes time, and I don't always have it, but it's becoming more important to me.

See 30 ways to tie a necktie (http://www.smokingpopes.net/different-ways-to-tie-a-tie/). Conveniently these vary from macho to effeminate. I suggest that you list the ones you like, put them in what seems like order from one gender extreme to the other, then pick one from each end and one in the middle to learn. You can add more as you have time, but macho-fluid-femmy will give you a good range for starters.

[ng_moonmoth]

>> One thing to remember is to fit the largest part of you. Other parts of the garment can be reduced in size to make it smaller, but making it bigger is much harder. <<

Alas, that's not the direction that's most likely to be problematic; the "vertical" dimension is much more of an issue. As far as I can tell, there's no good fix for something being too long, not long enough, having the wide and narrow spots of the garment not align with the wide and narrow spots of the part of the body being covered, or not having the joints of the body line up with where the garment expects them to be. The garment would have to be reworked to the point where one might just as well have bought the fabric and made something like it from scratch.

>> Check unisex things; garments made to fit either men or women may also fit someone who is both or neither. it's a long shot but worth a try because tailoring is harder and more expensive. <<

I took a look around online, and hit the same asymmetry I mentioned earlier. Almost all of what was tagged as "unisex" was gender-neutral, or indistinguishable from menswear; in many cases, it was designed and manufactured for people with female bodies who wanted those options. When I feel comfortable with those options, I can get things in the "Men's" department that work well enough with my body. What I can't readily get are things that work well with my body that don't assume a "man" presentation.

>> Frex, pink cheeks and bright red lips are mating signals. To send a non-mating signal, de-emphasize instead: mute or cancel the pink highlights on your cheeks, and choose a soft neutral color for lips. <<

That could get problematic too easily. I don't want to send "I'm not well", or "hands off!" -- I'm a tactile person who is very ill at ease with the implicit sexualization of touch that seems to occur whenever any of the parties involved is assumed to be a "man". The #YesAllWomen tag that has very much come to the forefront recently provides some insight into how pervasive and deadly the poison derived from this attitude is. I would much rather live in a world where the default for consensual touching was not sexualized, and it was implicit that consent from all parties was necessary to move beyond that default.

>> Check places that cater to queerfolk, they'll probably have examples. [...] See 30 ways to tie a necktie. <<

Thanks for the pointers, and special thanks for continuing the dialog. I'm sure those places aren't far at all from the other side of the door labeled "out" that I'm staring at right now.

[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

>> As far as I can tell, there's no good fix for something being too long, not long enough, having the wide and narrow spots of the garment not align with the wide and narrow spots of the part of the body being covered, or not having the joints of the body line up with where the garment expects them to be. <<

Yep, if you are that far off from standard, then your options are:
* Try on everything that remotely looks like it might fit. I do this a lot.
* Aim for things with a forgiving fabric (knits, etc.) and cut (looser than tighter).
* Have a tailor make things for you from scratch.
* Learn to make not just your own clothes, but your own patterns.

Yes, those all suck.

>> Thanks for the pointers, and special thanks for continuing the dialog. I'm sure those places aren't far at all from the other side of the door labeled "out" that I'm staring at right now. <<

I hope I've managed to help at least a little. When you're outside the bell curve it can be really hard to find good clothes.