ng_moonmoth: We define ourselves (gender)
Initial post on what I'm doing here.

37. What are your short-term goals? And what are your long-term goals?

Short-term (within a year): Go to all the places I'm planning to go. Do all the things I'm planning to do. Keep working on how to navigate gender space in a way that gets me closer to out all the time. Maybe even be able to expand that journey more into public space.

    Long term (more than five years): I sure hope I'm out all the time by then. Other than that, run out of life before I run out of living. I won't regret the things I didn't get to do; I'll celebrate the things I did get to do.

ng_moonmoth: We define ourselves (gender)
Initial post on what I'm doing here.

36. Are there areas of your life that you notice you compare yourself to others? Your body, your job, your friend group, etc.

Making comparisons of that sort feels harmful to me. If someone else is more like I want to be, or less like I do not want to be, I would much rather think "good on them", rather than have that be a source of envy. If someone else has less of what I value in my life, I would much rather consider how this lack interacts with their life -- or is even important to them -- than use it as a prop to inflate my own self-worth. I would much rather compare my life to what I personally want it to be (right now), and use that as a guide to drive my progress.

And then comparisions to others circle back again to, "At what cost? For what gain?" Everyone has their own metrics for those, and I want to get as much information as I can to guide my progress. I've looked into the abyss on the other side of those questions; the abyss looked back, and I decided not to go there. And I'm fine with that.
ng_moonmoth: We define ourselves (gender)
Initial post on what I'm doing here.

35. Do you rely on others to tell you what to do or how to act? If so, how can you remove this expectation and act based on your own beliefs?

Seems like there are a lot of people in the world who enjoy sharing their opinions of what to do or how to act. There are often some nuggets of truth in what they say. But there's often also a strong flavor of "Do this or act like this so you won't cause me problems I'd rather not deal with." Sorting out the truth from the trash is something that requires a lot of effort for me, and I tend to push back on suggestions that I alter my behavior in ways I feel don't align with my identity. I've had enough of that already, thanks.
ng_moonmoth: We define ourselves (gender)
Initial post on what I'm doing here.

34. What would you consider to be your biggest failure in life?

I'd have to go with spending several years of my career, and at least two or three more than I should have, as a member of a self-funded effort, which eventually imploded, to turn a promising idea into a successful software enterprise. In addition to the cost of the effort in both time and money, the stress of investing as much of my life as I did in the work did considerable damage to relationships I value, including with spouse, and took me better than a year to even approximately recover from the mental pummeling I had subjected myself to. And the reflection and introspection that was part of that recovery included re-evaluating my sexuality and gender identity, and discovering that it was not what I believed it was -- and adding the stress and distress of dealing with this to all the other damage is complicating and extending the recovery process.

    Despite all this, some of the results seem favorable. Spouse and I are still working on repairing the damage to our relationship, understanding the interaction between the damage and our personal histories, separately and together, and dedicated enough to the process to hope there can be a successful conclusion. I got a chance to experience the changes in the software development work environment as an observer, instead of as a participant -- and recognize that my personal cost of working in that environment likely outweighed any benefit I would get from it. And I now understand that the cost of pretending my gender identity and sexuality are not what they actually are is unsustainable, and am searching for a path I am willing to follow to drop that pretense.

ng_moonmoth: We define ourselves (gender)
Initial post on what I'm doing here.

33. Do you feel like you know your purpose in life? If so, what is it? If not, is there anything holding you back from discovering your purpose?

I'll echo this George Orwell quote: the purpose of life is life. That works for me. And besides, if I did believe my life had a purpose beyond that, whether I knew it or not, how would I feel at the end if I did not fulfill that purpose? What would happen if I fulfilled it? Where would I find value in living a now-purposeless life?

Although if my life did have a purpose, I think I would like it if that purpose, and my relationship with it, would align with the first statement on this list from Calvin and Hobbes creator Bill Watterson.
ng_moonmoth: We define ourselves (gender)
Initial post on what I'm doing here.

32. If you could be a fly on the wall, what would people say about you behind closed doors?

I have absolutely no idea. I don't think I have any interest in finding out.

ng_moonmoth: We define ourselves (gender)
Initial post on what I'm doing here.

31. Are there any dreams that continue to repeat themselves when you sleep?

I don't seem to have dreams I recall often enough to detect a pattern. Maybe once or twice a year is about it. It might be because I more commonly employ my dream state to resolve issues. If there's something I find difficult to decide on, I focus on what needs to be decided and tuck it into a back corner of my mind to sleep on it. At some point after that, sometimes in the middle of the night, the answer asserts itself to my conscious mind. I have an awfully good record of those decisions being good and helpful ones, so I stay with this approach, and call on it when I need to.

    There is a recurring theme I do have; it visits when I'm awake. (They may show up while I'm asleep, too, but I don't remember it if they did.) I appear to have attracted the interest of a muse who drops in from time to time. They aren't physically imposing, and lack other conventional attributes that designate power, but their voice is compelling when I come up with an idea and they say, "Yo! You wanna write this!" I don't want to let them down -- ignoring or otherwise blowing off one's muse is an ideal way to make it so they don't visit you and leave you ideas any more -- so I do my best, and even if I can't get it to work out right away, I find that I've learned something in the attempt, and will save the idea and any result for later when I may be better equipped to handle it.

ng_moonmoth: We define ourselves (gender)
Initial post on what I'm doing here.

30. Would you consider yourself to be an introvert or an extrovert? Are you energized by being with others or spending time alone?

Introvert. I retreat to gain energy, but then I enjoy expending it to engage with others. Although now I'm wondering to what extent the energy I'm expending is associated with my gender pretense, and how being out in a (my) gender-affirming environment would affect the energy balance.

ng_moonmoth: We define ourselves (gender)
Initial post on what I'm doing here.

29. Do you prefer to spend time alone or with other people?

Alone. Mostly alone. I can find lots of things to do that don't require other people. But I also enjoy time with other people, and would not choose to be a hermit.

ng_moonmoth: We define ourselves (gender)
Initial post on what I'm doing here.

28. In your life, what matters the most to you?

I choose to read this question by taking as a given the fundamentals: things like life itself and the various things that sustain it, along with the desire to not acquire those fundamentals by depriving others of same. Setting those aside, what comes through for me is this:

    That I remain in the world, and engaged with the world, throughout my life. I do not take to confinement, physical or mental, well at all, and would find it very hard to deal with a condition that left me aware of my state but unable to communicate this awareness with the world at large. And I also hope that those who love me not need to deal with a husk of a mind inside a body that still lives, or a husk of a body containing a mind that still thinks. I have seen others try to cope with this, and the amount of stress they wind up under. Do. Not. Want.

    I found evaluating things in my life for this question somewhat tricky. What I value the most in life was getting in the way. I eventually decided that I would measure "what is valued" by the emotional satisfaction from having something, and measure "what matters" by the emotional distress I sustain from not having something. Once I got that clear to myself, I was able to work out the answer.

ng_moonmoth: We define ourselves (gender)
Initial post on what I'm doing here.

27. What is your proudest accomplishment in life?

When I first moved to the San Francisco Bay Area, I realized that I had found a place that felt much more like home to me than my birthplace. This did not stop my parents from "suggesting" that I pursue my career closer to them. They noted that the area where they lived had tech jobs -- which was true, but nothing like the opportunities and challenges here. The advantages of pursuing my career in Silicon Valley did not align well with their measures of career success; they still were evaluating my career by their standards, and wondering whether I might consider relocating.

What finally ended the urging to return was when, about ten years in, I was able to show them that I was well established in a successful career by their standards, and that being so was a direct outcome of my having had the opportunities and experiences I could only have had where I was. They finally understood that I was in the place I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing, and that returning to their part of the country to live and work was not in my future. And gaining that understanding is what I choose to count as the accomplishment I have the most pride in.
ng_moonmoth: We define ourselves (gender)
Initial post on what I'm doing here.

26. Do you believe that everything happens in your life for a reason?

"Everything happens in one's life for a reason" is something that is often construed as there being an overarching purpose the events in one's life are in service of. I do not hold with that interpretation. Nevertheless, there are usually multiple reasons that cause the things that happen in my life to happen -- and sometimes a fraction of chaos as well. If I actually wanted to sort that out, it would require a whole lot of effort and really not accomplish very much. Identifying the primary factors and learning from them where appropriate is good enough for me.
ng_moonmoth: We define ourselves (gender)
Initial post on what I'm doing here.

25. What is your greatest fear?

That we will not be able to rein in the accelerating environmental catastrophe our species' activities have initiated and driven before it consumes us, and with it so very much of the knowledge so dearly won over millennia, and the cultures that produced the time for exploration and reflection to produce that knowledge. If that happens, it will be a long and hard road before whoever survives the onslaught can more than imagine those heights. Every other threat I see seems tiny in comparison.

But also see my earlier answer.
ng_moonmoth: We define ourselves (gender)
Initial post on what I'm doing here.

24. Are there aspects of your life that you worry about?

To quote a boomer sage, "What -- me worry?"

The article on the end of that link lines up very well with my own thoughts on worry. The author's characterization of worry as "the agitated anticipation of what the world may do to us in the near or distant future" describes how I feel about it very well. And when they noted later that refusing to worry does not mandate abdication of responsibility ("Whenever there is a practical way to grab the steering wheel of our destiny [...], we should certainly do so"), but instead allows us to focus on the actions we choose and their effect, I felt myself nodding in total agreement. ("[W]e have to deal sensibly today with the seeds of probable tomorrows. But we don't have to be lost in agitation over the ways they may sprout.")

So, when I catch myself worrying about something, I try to ask myself, "So, what are you going to do about it?" If that inspires a conclusion that appears worthwhile to me, I'll put it into effect; otherwise, I'll file the conclusion away and take another look the next time the situation arises. And I'm fine with that.
ng_moonmoth: We define ourselves (gender)
Initial post on what I'm doing here.

23. What legacy do you hope to leave behind once your time on Earth is over?

The definition of "legacy" talks about money and property. The most important thing for me in this area is that if spouse is still alive, that there be enough of both for them for the rest of their existence. Aside from some family heirlooms I currently have, and wouldn't want to sell or abandon without seeing whether anyone else in the family wanted them, everything else is just Stuff to me. Our household custom is to try to find someone who will appreciate and use Stuff we no longer want to keep. I hope that a lot of the Stuff I still have when I die can find someone like that, and that they think of me fondly when they use it.

There are also things I have invested creative energy in. These include filk songs, knitting, and recipes. I likewise hope that these will find the people who appreciate them, use them or share them with others, and think of me fondly when they do.

ng_moonmoth: We define ourselves (gender)
Initial post on what I'm doing here.

22. When you have free time, what do you like to do for fun?

Read. Knit. Ride my bike. Go to a concert. Go to a museum. Go to a show. Attend a science fiction convention. Take a trip somewhere I haven't been. Share an activity with a close friend or two. Play a game with others. Write a filk song. Get a filk song performance-ready. Interact on DW. Find and watch a sports event of interest. Cook something new. Learn something new. Seek out a different perspective. Combine two or more of these. Did I mention my "things I enjoy doing" calendar was pretty full?

ng_moonmoth: We define ourselves (gender)
Initial post on what I'm doing here.

21. Is there anything in your life that you are ashamed of?

That I allowed myself to be brainwashed of the gender-nonconforming aspects of my identity so thoroughly that I was not even aware of my gender identity, let alone able to explore and affirm it, as spouse and I forged our relationship. I can't help but think things would be much better if we had built our relationship on what is, rather than on a facade concealing it. I continue to believe we can reshape our relationship into something worthwhile, but doing so is proving difficult and painful.

ng_moonmoth: We define ourselves (gender)
Initial post on what I'm doing here.

20. What gifts or talents do you have that you typically hide from yourself or others?

I'm not aware of any such thing I hide from myself. If I've successfully learned or done something before, I'll take advantage of future opportunities to do it. If I haven't tried something, I'll at least take a look at whether I should try it. I suspect any gift or talent for something would cause me to be interested enough to try it.

As far as hiding gifts or talents from others, I'm still working on grasping the idea that using something I'm good at can easily get in the way of someone else finding out their own capabilities in that area. I too often get impatient and take care of things myself. Getting this to not come across as intimidating is tricky, and not always possible.


ng_moonmoth: We define ourselves (gender)
Initial post on what I'm doing here.

19. What are you truly passionate about?

Figuring Things Out. Trying to uncover not just the "how", but the "why", behind the "what".

As an example of how this works for me, take mobile telephony. Behind the "what" of being connected to a voice (and, these days, data) network without being restricted to a single location lies a long chain of decisions regarding "how", which informs me on what things have an effect on how well-connected to the network one is, what needs to be operational to have that connection, and what information is obtained when someone connects. Which leads to wanting to understand who maintains those elements and what they do with the information, and how that interacts with my personal desire to have mobile connectivity.

And that winds up leading to the "why". One thing that bothers me quite a bit about phone calls is that they are interrupts: when the phone rings, one has to decide whether to answer (or check the caller ID information, if available) before knowing anything about what the call is about. If I want to walk around with an active mobile phone, this means that anyone who has that number can interrupt whatever I'm doing to check on whether they are someone worth that interruption to talk with right now. Most people seem to mind this enough less than I do to have it not be a problem for them. It wasn't until pay phones pretty much went obsolete and got taken down, though, that my personal balance shifted in favor of having a mobile phone, and I still only use it when the mobility aspect is important -- and only have it turned on when I am using it, or expecting a call I want to take.

Another thing that tends to kick this part of myself in is when someone attempts to generalize a personal opinion beyond their own scope. I am prone to asking such people about the basis for this opinion, and the reasoning by which they arrived at it. Most people aren't used to this level of introspection, but it serves as a useful filter for me to help weed out bad ideas. This doesn't always make me the most popular person around, but I don't especially value being popular, and value this investigative spirit more.
ng_moonmoth: We define ourselves (gender)
Initial post on what I'm doing here.

18. Is there anything you could do to help solve that problem in the previous question?

I do what I can by making sure my decisions are not driven by fear, and undermining fallacious premises and arguments of those who encourage fear in others. I still don't know how to help fearful people decide which of their fears are groundless or misdirected, rather than give in to them. That would make a real difference. Trying to fight emotions with facts doesn't often work very well, or for very many people.

Profile

ng_moonmoth: The Moon-Moth (Default)
ng_moonmoth

February 2019

S M T W T F S
      1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 1516
17181920212223
2425262728  

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Feb. 16th, 2019 01:27 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios