Who am I? Why am I here? (continued)

[ng_moonmoth]

If you are interested, please see my previous post for the definition I am using for "gender".

The things I wish to do, and the ways I wish to interact with others, are very poorly aligned with my culture's gender assumptions. Nevertheless, I recognize that I share many of these traits with people who identify with a specific gender, and if those people choose to recognize me as of their gender, I will acknowledge this. One common umbrella term covering this identification is “genderqueer”, and I have found that this term fits me well. “Polygender” and “pangender” are terms that are often used to describe my attitude toward gender-identified people; I prefer the former, because I would not feel comfortable identifying with a gender where those who identify with that gender would not recognize me as “one of them”.

Up until now, I have chosen to maintain enough conformity with the gender assumptions under which I was raised to be granted membership in a cultural role with sufficient influence and agency to acquire and maintain economic self-sufficiency.

I am ready to move beyond that conformity now. I am deliberately allowing my lack of gender alignment, which I have until now kept out of sight, to start leaking out around the edges of the facade I have built. As I have done so, I find myself feeling better about myself, and have gotten positive reactions to the non-normative aspects of my presentation.

Now that I am here, I am interested in connecting with friends and allies. If you feel like either of these categories describe you, please feel free to friend me and expect to be friended back.

Comments

[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that expressing your gender as you feel it, rather than as other people expect of you, is helping you feel better about yourself.

[ng_moonmoth]

Thank you for the kind words. The links in your post from a couple of weeks back, about choosing clothes for your gender, gave me some good ideas as I begin the process of updating my wardrobe. The line about finding "clothes that fit both your mind and your body" sums up my challenge very well.

One issue that remained was that much of the information in the linked articles was grounded in a binary gender view. Because my gender is explicitly non-binary, tips on how to dress or present oneself to reinforce identification with a specific binary gender are only instructive to the extent that they can help me figure out how to make it less likely that I will be mistaken for someone asserting that gender.

A goodly amount of information remained, but it will still be challenging to use it to develop my sense of a style that suits me and select suitable things to try from available choices. Although I try to keep an eye out for what appear to be other nonbinary people and see what they are wearing, I'd really like to find resources that would help me figure out what I should be trying.

[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

>>The line about finding "clothes that fit both your mind and your body" sums up my challenge very well.<<

I'm glad I could help.

>> One issue that remained was that much of the information in the linked articles was grounded in a binary gender view. <<

That's all I could find. There is very little written about nonbinary genders or how to make them work. It's very frustrating.

>>Because my gender is explicitly non-binary, tips on how to dress or present oneself to reinforce identification with a specific binary gender are only instructive to the extent that they can help me figure out how to make it less likely that I will be mistaken for someone asserting that gender.<<

That's one way to use the information.

Another is to combine them, and that's something that a lot of gender-variant folks do. One example is to take a masculine item but put it in a feminine color or pattern, such as a pink business suit. Other times people will shift the style toward the middle of the range, as with lesbians who dress in a mannish way but with the garments subtly altered in feminine ways to suit the female body, so they look like masculine women rather than like men. Conversely there are men's clothes that are downright effeminate, such as a poet's shirt.

Mixing and matching is a good technique too, taking some things from men's wear and some from women's.

Many gender-variant people like unisex garments. Those are often hard to find but can be very versatile in terms of expression and going with other things in your wardrobe.

Pay attention to your body. Its shape needs to be respected. Certain things will look better or worse because of that shape, or feel more or less comfortable. If there are features you want to emphasize or distract from, then figure out what those are and what kinds of clothes or makeup will do that. This is another place you can use tips for men and for women; I haven't seen any specifically for gender-variant folks.

Consider anchor items in neutral colors that you can wear with many other things. A simple shirt, pants, vest, dress, etc. can be accessorized to suit your mood of the day -- whether you're feeling more masculine or feminine or something else.

Notice that a given type of garment may be designed on a spectrum. A shirt can be very plain, straight, and masculine or it can be soft, curvy, frilly, feminine. Or anywhere in between.

Look for things that are, like you, blended or fluid in nature. Gender-variant folks often enjoy ambiguous colors such as mauve which look different as the light changes, or fabrics such as shot-silk which combine threads of separate colors that shift with the angle of view. There are mood rings, heat-sensitive or light-sensitive dyes, certain gemstones that change color, etc. Some scarves or other garments can be worn a bunch of different ways. You can learn dozens of methods for tying a necktie.

Sometimes it helps to look up other genders around the world. Many cultures have specific ways of marking their gender-variant folks -- certain colors, garments, hairstyles, makeup, etc. You might find something that feels right for you, or that you would just like to explore. And don't overlook literature, I've seen people flagging with things taken out of fantasy or science fiction novels.

Among the symbolism you might find are pride flags (http://savvyred.deviantart.com/journal/Pride-Flags-Colors-explained-379547414). Genderqueer (http://genderqueerid.com/about-flag) is purple-white-green. You might think that looks garish, but I've had purple-and-green clothes that looked great -- and that was long before the flag was devised. There are geometric symbols (http://genderqueerid.com/tagged/symbology) too.

[ng_moonmoth]

>> There is very little written about nonbinary genders or how to make them work. It's very frustrating. <<

Amen. Although I have found some places on the Web for genderqueer and nonbinary people to post, nobody seems to be saying very much other than "this is what I wear." And very few sites have much activity of any sort. Some, such as the genderqueer LJ community, appear dormant or dead.

So far, I've thought of two reasons why this may be the case. A large-scale factor is that marginalization and erasure of nonbinary gender identities is nearly ubiquitous. Even in cultures that include nonbinary identities, those who assert them are often relegated to specific roles. These roles are very seldom in the cultural mainstream, may well be unsuited to the individual (not everyone's capable of, or interested in, assuming the obligations of a shaman), and often demeaning in everyday life. Many people may choose to yield under this pressure and decide to limit or end the expression of their nonbinary identity.

On the other end of the scale, one thing that has come through is that nonbinary identity is necessarily personal. It could be that those who can successfully resist the cultural pressure and assert a nonbinary gender are not those who could take the broader view necessary to develop a theory of nonbinary gender expression. I'm hoping this is something that develops over time.

>> Another is to combine them, and that's something that a lot of gender-variant folks do. One example is to take a masculine item but put it in a feminine color or pattern, such as a pink business suit. Other times people will shift the style toward the middle of the range, as with lesbians who dress in a mannish way but with the garments subtly altered in feminine ways to suit the female body, so they look like masculine women rather than like men. Conversely there are men's clothes that are downright effeminate, such as a poet's shirt. <<

I've been eagerly snapping up examples of such things when I find them, and they frequently become some of my most-worn items. Something that continues to bother me, though, is that there is a prominent gender asymmetry present. There is a reasonable selection of clothes cut for a female body that use menswear (that is, clothing worn by people asserting the "man" gender-normative identity) fabrics, and those clothes are suitable in contexts where suitable menswear is constructed from those fabrics. Very little of the converse -- clothes cut for a male body that use womenswear fabrics -- is available at all, let alone suitable in contexts where suitable womenswear is constructed from those fabrics. It all seems to be designed for "casual" and "fun" settings (beach/party/lounge/club), and not anything that would fit into an everyday or more formal context.

The asymmetry gets even worse when looking for womenswear cut for male bodies. It basically doesn't exist -- primarily, I expect, because the normative "man" gender seems to include only unfavorable or hostile responses to male-bodied individuals asserting a gender identity other than "man" -- even for a mainstream identity such as "woman". Evidence suggests that treatment of people asserting non-mainstream identities in the genderqueer/nonbinary space are even worse.

>> Mixing and matching is a good technique too, taking some things from men's wear and some from women's. <<

Yep. I already do that on days where I'm uncomfortable with my presumed gender identity.

>> Many gender-variant people like unisex garments. Those are often hard to find but can be very versatile in terms of expression and going with other things in your wardrobe. <<

It sounds like you mean this to denote a separate category of garment from ones which can be gender-neutral, such as jeans/t-shirts/sweats/fleece/sneakers (even though gendered versions of all of these are common). I gather the intent is to conceal the implicit gender markers from one's body and provide a neutral foundation upon which one could place explicit gender markers.

Doing that with clothing that looks good seems challenging. Do you know of any sources where I could see what's offered?

This has gotten quite long, and has taken a good deal of time. More later...

[ng_moonmoth]

>> Pay attention to your body. Its shape needs to be respected. Certain things will look better or worse because of that shape, or feel more or less comfortable. <<

It seems that the more things I try on, the more finely tuned my clothing sense becomes. The torso/limb proportions seem to be the trickiest things to adapt, because no amount of foam or elastic can do much here. Shoulder width, and where the largest-circumference spots on the torso line up vs. where they are on the clothing, are also frequently problematic. My butt and legs don't seem to get along well with pants cut for either body type.

>> If there are features you want to emphasize or distract from, then figure out what those are and what kinds of clothes or makeup will do that. <<

Being willing to open up my wardrobe is getting me to think more about this. I find things that elongate or shorten apparent length to be especially useful in getting an item to appear as though it belongs on me.

I'm just starting to get an understanding of how to use makeup effectively. It's still tricky, and slow going, because most advice is geared toward using it to send or amplify a fertility signal: "I am young, I am healthy, I am close to my most fertile time, mating will be most likely to succeed now." This has never been a signal I have been interested in sending to either males or females.

>> Consider anchor items in neutral colors that you can wear with many other things. A simple shirt, pants, vest, dress, etc. can be accessorized to suit your mood of the day -- whether you're feeling more masculine or feminine or something else. <<

I'm starting to build up more accessories from across the gender spectrum and finding things they go well with. One main difficulty is that menswear does not get along well with much jewelry -- especially the items I tend to favor, which work best against my skin rather than against fabric.

>> Notice that a given type of garment may be designed on a spectrum. A shirt can be very plain, straight, and masculine or it can be soft, curvy, frilly, feminine. Or anywhere in between. <<

Yep. And I'm all over the place on this already, as you might expect. I'm still figuring out what works when, and what never works. I wind up having "my clothes", "somebody else's clothes", and "clothes I wear". The last category is pretty much all default-gendered clothes I can wear when I'm not interested in concentrating that much on clothing on a particular day.

>> Look for things that are, like you, blended or fluid in nature [...] Some scarves or other garments can be worn a bunch of different ways. You can learn dozens of methods for tying a necktie. <<

I'm keeping my eye out for things like this, and starting to explore the possibilities. Doing this takes time, and I don't always have it, but it's becoming more important to me.

>> Sometimes it helps to look up other genders around the world. Many cultures have specific ways of marking their gender-variant folks <<

I worry about cultural appropriation here. I think I'll pass on the specifics for now, although the methods may be applicable.

>> And don't overlook literature, I've seen people flagging with things taken out of fantasy or science fiction novels. <<

This might indeed be a fruitful source.

>> Genderqueer is purple-white-green. You might think that looks garish, but I've had purple-and-green clothes that looked great <<

These colors work very well for me, and I have a goodly amount of each color, and some items containing both. And yes, I got a chuckle out of "my" flag containing those colors.

[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

>> Shoulder width, and where the largest-circumference spots on the torso line up vs. where they are on the clothing, are also frequently problematic. <<

One thing to remember is to fit the largest part of you. Other parts of the garment can be reduced in size to make it smaller, but making it bigger is much harder.

>> My butt and legs don't seem to get along well with pants cut for either body type. <<

That really sucks.

*ponder* Some people who are not standard male or female do have rather different body shapes or proportions. You're just not going to find anything on the rack to fit that. If you are consistently finding that neither gendered clothes fit well, then it's a likely explanation -- especially if you're having that problem with hips and chest/shoulders both. Check unisex things; garments made to fit either men or women may also fit someone who is both or neither. it's a long shot but worth a try because tailoring is harder and more expensive.

>> I'm just starting to get an understanding of how to use makeup effectively. It's still tricky, and slow going, because most advice is geared toward using it to send or amplify a fertility signal: "I am young, I am healthy, I am close to my most fertile time, mating will be most likely to succeed now." This has never been a signal I have been interested in sending to either males or females. <<

Yeah, that's a nuisance. One trick is to reverse polarity. Frex, pink cheeks and bright red lips are mating signals. To send a non-mating signal, de-emphasize instead: mute or cancel the pink highlights on your cheeks, and choose a soft neutral color for lips.

Oh, and there are sexual palliative fragrances too. Lavender is probably the most famous example.

>> One main difficulty is that menswear does not get along well with much jewelry -- especially the items I tend to favor, which work best against my skin rather than against fabric. <<

Menswear is designed for different jewelry or accessories. Rings are fine; both sexes wear them. You might enjoy comparing masculine, feminine, and unisex rings -- there are some ring styles that just about scream genderqueer in terms of asymmetrics and swirls. Check places that cater to queerfolk, they'll probably have examples. Cufflinks and tie fasteners are masculine jewelry. Not so helpful if you want it on your skin though. Wristwatches are another masculine item. American men usually don't wear necklaces or earrings, although that varies a bit.

I'm keeping my eye out for things like this, and starting to explore the possibilities. Doing this takes time, and I don't always have it, but it's becoming more important to me.

See 30 ways to tie a necktie (http://www.smokingpopes.net/different-ways-to-tie-a-tie/). Conveniently these vary from macho to effeminate. I suggest that you list the ones you like, put them in what seems like order from one gender extreme to the other, then pick one from each end and one in the middle to learn. You can add more as you have time, but macho-fluid-femmy will give you a good range for starters.

[ng_moonmoth]

>> One thing to remember is to fit the largest part of you. Other parts of the garment can be reduced in size to make it smaller, but making it bigger is much harder. <<

Alas, that's not the direction that's most likely to be problematic; the "vertical" dimension is much more of an issue. As far as I can tell, there's no good fix for something being too long, not long enough, having the wide and narrow spots of the garment not align with the wide and narrow spots of the part of the body being covered, or not having the joints of the body line up with where the garment expects them to be. The garment would have to be reworked to the point where one might just as well have bought the fabric and made something like it from scratch.

>> Check unisex things; garments made to fit either men or women may also fit someone who is both or neither. it's a long shot but worth a try because tailoring is harder and more expensive. <<

I took a look around online, and hit the same asymmetry I mentioned earlier. Almost all of what was tagged as "unisex" was gender-neutral, or indistinguishable from menswear; in many cases, it was designed and manufactured for people with female bodies who wanted those options. When I feel comfortable with those options, I can get things in the "Men's" department that work well enough with my body. What I can't readily get are things that work well with my body that don't assume a "man" presentation.

>> Frex, pink cheeks and bright red lips are mating signals. To send a non-mating signal, de-emphasize instead: mute or cancel the pink highlights on your cheeks, and choose a soft neutral color for lips. <<

That could get problematic too easily. I don't want to send "I'm not well", or "hands off!" -- I'm a tactile person who is very ill at ease with the implicit sexualization of touch that seems to occur whenever any of the parties involved is assumed to be a "man". The #YesAllWomen tag that has very much come to the forefront recently provides some insight into how pervasive and deadly the poison derived from this attitude is. I would much rather live in a world where the default for consensual touching was not sexualized, and it was implicit that consent from all parties was necessary to move beyond that default.

>> Check places that cater to queerfolk, they'll probably have examples. [...] See 30 ways to tie a necktie. <<

Thanks for the pointers, and special thanks for continuing the dialog. I'm sure those places aren't far at all from the other side of the door labeled "out" that I'm staring at right now.

[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

>> As far as I can tell, there's no good fix for something being too long, not long enough, having the wide and narrow spots of the garment not align with the wide and narrow spots of the part of the body being covered, or not having the joints of the body line up with where the garment expects them to be. <<

Yep, if you are that far off from standard, then your options are:
* Try on everything that remotely looks like it might fit. I do this a lot.
* Aim for things with a forgiving fabric (knits, etc.) and cut (looser than tighter).
* Have a tailor make things for you from scratch.
* Learn to make not just your own clothes, but your own patterns.

Yes, those all suck.

>> Thanks for the pointers, and special thanks for continuing the dialog. I'm sure those places aren't far at all from the other side of the door labeled "out" that I'm staring at right now. <<

I hope I've managed to help at least a little. When you're outside the bell curve it can be really hard to find good clothes.