Ganked from meepettermu

[ng_moonmoth]

who posted this last week, motivated by Tuesday's being Transgender Day of Visibility.

Ask me a question. Anything you're curious about? Anything you don't understand but want to? There's one question on the list I feel strongly enough about to give you the answer for free; I think I'm comfortable answering all the others. Pick a number and comment or send a private message. If you'd like to ask me something not listed, I might not be able to answer but I won't be offended you asked.

I'm not engaging in gender critical discussions on feminism, transphobia, or hate, because ain't nobody got time for sadness.

I want to help people understand trans people better.

1. Has being trans been an obstacle in your life with friends, family, work, etc?
2. How long have you known?
3. What are your pronouns?
4. How did you pick your name?
5. What's your favorite dinosaur?
6. Why would you want to be a guy/girl?
7. What does AMAB or AFAB mean?
8. What do you feel like you missed out on most in your childhood (if you transitioned later)
9. What has been your favorite part of transitioning so far?
10. What worries you most as a trans person?
11. Does your family accept you?
12. How has transitioning changed your life?
13. What has surprised you most about transitioning?
14. What would have made it easier for you to come out?
15. What has been the hardest part of your transition so far?
16. How do you know you're trans?
17. How does it feel to transition?
18. How did you tell your family, friends, work, etc., tha?
19. Are you fully transitioned?
20. What's the hardest part of your experience as a trans person?
21. Why not just be a "feminine guy"/"masculine woman"?
22. How do you think your life would be different if you could have transitioned younger?
23. What is the best part about being trans?
24. Have you had any surgeries? Are you going to?

Please don't ask this of any trans person. Or anyone you suspect might be a trans person. It's only slightly less offensive than asking what's in their pants. (That one I'll actually tell you:. Right now I'm not wearing pants, so, "air". When I am wearing pants, the answer is "my legs, my crotch, and my torso up to my waist.") Not quite in the same league as asking what their crotch looks like. (I've got two answers for that one. If the asker doesn't strike me as the kind of person who can take a hint as to how out of line that question is, they'll get the cold and clinical "You aren't a doctor I have decided to have care for that part of my body, and we aren't having or planning sex with each other. And you just took yourself out of consideration for either role by that question." Someone who looks like they might actually get a clue may get "I'll show you mine if you show me yours.")

25. How can I make things better for you?
26. What are you most excited about in your transition?
27. What's non-binary?
28. What do you wish you could tell younger you, as a trans person?
29. What are you most excited for in your transition?
30. I want to ask another question / AMA

Comments

Re: This took a while for me to write

[aome]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and honest responses. I especially appreciate your description of how you felt growing up non-binary (although you didn't have the words at the time) because, as someone with a definite gender identity, that's hard for me to picture.

It seems like you have reached a place where you are comfortable with who you are, the hell with anyone else, and I think that's awesome. I hope my son can achieve that level of confidence at some point.

Re: This took a while for me to write

[ng_moonmoth]

You're welcome. Glad I could help.

I also have a definite gender identity, which some nonbinary people do not. Some (genderfluid) cover a range of gender identities. Some agender people assert they have no gender identity; others have a gender identity which amounts to "that's a [some other gender] thing, so it's not part of my identity." My relationship to gendered things is pretty consistent; it just doesn't line up with anyone's cultural norms. What matters to me is how I feel about it and what it means to me. This isn't really much different from how anyone else defines their identity, just without the cultural default gender filters.

Also pretty much like anyone else, my presentation can span a range. I described this in a comment on another post by pointing out that Queensryche T-shirt/torn jeans/Doc Martens and lavender power pantsuit/stiletto heels/full makeup are both valid expressions for a woman, and there are women who might wear both at different times -- and recognize that the C-suite getup is just as out of place at a metal concert as the metal outfit is in the executive boardroom.

I'm still moving toward that place you mentioned. I am comfortable with who I am (my gender counselor agrees), but I haven't arrived at the "hell with anyone else" spot -- I'm revealing who I am slowly and carefully in a effort to retain relationships I value as I transition more and more from concealed to disclosed. And it seems to be working. I would also like to see your son comfortable with who he is, and am really glad you are helping him find that out.

Re: This took a while for me to write

[aome]

I also have a definite gender identity

I am really sorry. I really put my foot in it for that one. >_< Thank you for educating me. *bangs head*

Re: This took a while for me to write

[ng_moonmoth]

Please! Nothing at all to be that sorry for -- let alone (even metaphorically) physically punishing yourself for. Much better for both of us to simply apologize and move on.

Not only that, but your misunderstanding is quite commonplace. Trying to figure out someone's relationship with gender is tricky when that relationship doesn't match up with the ones you're used to -- and prone to error, because you're operating only on what you see and trying to locate something in your personal framework, and it aligns poorly, if at all, with that framework.

You're already well ahead of the game by having decided to use your son's transition as motivation to become more gender-aware. Which means you're moving in the direction of having an informed conversation with someone who doesn't fit gender stereotypes, and allowing them to tell you what it is rather than guessing. And that's what really matters for folks like me. Hoping you continue to improve your understanding.